My humblest apologies regular people, I have been MIA for far too long. As I shimmy towards a higher age bracket, my time management skills and thirst for attention, runneth dry. I have a pile of requests and here is my attempt at setting your insignifcant problems free. I’m like a hamster-sized Dr. Phil…

Rant request: Couples

If you are 1/2 of a couple, I am sorry, as your presence has been requested on the chopping block. After many pensive poses and promptings to my synapses to fire off, I have decided to find a happy compromise for the anti-couple people out there. The prolific Bugs Bunny once said “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. To snag yourself a mate, write them this romantic love letter:

Dear Shim,

This is more or less a proposal of epic proportions. As you and I near closer to being bitter, cynical, and a few modest clicks away from purchasing jeggings, I beseech you..let’s just tie the knot. The two-become-one club isn’t so bad, if you think about it. I will most likely notify someone if you choke on a pretzel, and you will always have a microwave-dinner companion. We will argue about tv shows and about how much booze is ‘too much’, because mundane happenings, make the world go ‘round.

Just face it…you will soon be humbled by life, as you start your descension into looking a little more like Santa Claus every day. You might as well find someone who will love you and your psoriasis flare ups and adult acne… Am I right?

I promise to indulge in hot wax aesthetics, if you promise to stick to light beer and to use deodorant on a regular basis. Our sex life may diminish, but think about all that extra time we’ll have to watch CSI and Soviet Spy thrillers on Netflix. All things considered, I’m offering you a chance to step outside of your world of sexual depravity and liberal masturbation, and cozy up with a steamy pile of monogamy and granny panties. Act quickly, as I can already see flecks of your shiny skull cap where tufts of thick hair used to be. 

<3

So.. marry me?