I assume most of you are still recovering from a bout of patriotic liver annihilation delivered by an onslaught of keg-planking and tongue-fucking the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle.

If you’re any kind of decent American, a firefighter only recently pulled you out of a PBR soaked brick-pit wearing the scorched remnants of an American flag snuggie and 2/3 of a condom. Any other Tuesday morning awakening is a slap in the face to everything our fine Nation stands for and such…apple pies and things..

I’m usually first in line to drink in the name of America or freedom or Mondays. There really there is no excuse too mind-bogglingly insignificant to get my mouth, in and around a lascivious libation. But this 4th of July, I was unable to partake in such funtivities. I feel wholly un-American as I had to practice this thing called ‘self-control’ on the infamous day America threw their deuces up at England.

Fortunately, I have a solution for my misdoings and reprehensible behavior. I’m going to get straight up belligerent and unfortunate this week. The universe has done me a solid and placed into my lap 6 whole days of vacation before I start work next Monday. If I were a bottle of tequila and what residue is left of my liver right now, I would be terrified.

Here are a few reasons why you should feel compelled to help me with my cause: 

—Remember that time I lent you a dollar? I could tabulate the interest, but wouldn’t you prefer paying me back by making a margarita in my mouth? 

—Your 3-day weekend beastly hangover only has one cure: karmic retribution. Win karmic points by hosing my trap down with bacardi. 

—Chances are, I will do something hilarious while intoxicated, you could film it, and we could be famous on youtube. By ‘we’ I mean ‘me’ and by ‘me’ I mean ‘my failed attempt at naked ghost-riding a ducktour bus’.

—Nothing says God Bless America quite like watching a gnome-sized Asian girl getting shit-hammered-face-planked on a Tuesday afternoon. NOTHING!