An endless wave of trolls and goddesses have been requesting a psfu rant about the prolific Mr. Sheen himself. The Connoisseur of WINNING, the Duke of Delusion, the Champion of the Porn Industry, and the Idol of Assholes Everywhere.
Charlie motherfucking Sheen, man. Where do I start. Let me grace you with a clarification of my supposition, as it may be unclear. I like the guy, I mean what’s not to like? I think we can in fact learn a lot from him, like how to survive a cocaine tornado and sleep with pornstars. I mean, can you accomplish such things? I didn’t think so! In all for truthfulness, I think he is a remarkably resilient and indubitably intelligent human being.
Is he out of his mind? Maybe, but I get it man, my brain synapses are overstimulated too. However, my shitstorm of brilliance occurs as a result of a thoughtful combination of focus factor, kahlua lattes and an exceptionally large right cranial hemisphere. I can make a snowman with 7 grams of cocaine, so I don’t recommend that diet to people that are not Charlie Sheen.
Why Charlie Sheen is awesome/what we can learn:
1. You could look like someone held your face hostage in a panini-press, and still have hot unimportant people want to bang out all 7 grams of your penis.
2. Haters will hate, but somewhere right now, Charlie Sheen is bi-winning harder than everyone else.
3. I always thought Tiger Wood’s blood was loaded with syphilis antibodies, but apparently it is chockfull of awesomeness. #TIGERBLOOD
4. He quit ingesting drugs in the blink of an eye. How many wonderful things can you do that quickly? Premature ejaculation does not apply.
5. He literally doesn’t give a flying fucknut what anyone thinks of him. Do you know how many botox mishaps we could avoid, if everyone adopted a Sheen-like attitude? Think about it Montag…
6. He introduces people to ‘magic’ and is still considered cool. Seriously, how many ‘magicians’ do you know that aren’t 40-year old virgins? Must be some grade-A magic tricks, none of that cut with vanilla protein powder kinda magic.
I’m on team Sheen man. He’s like an erratic life coach, preaching affirmations we should all mimic: WIN! BI-WIN! GO! REMOVE BRAKES FROM VEHICLE! Except for you trolls and corporate a-holes… you just stay the same successful and butt-ugly.