What is post college life like?
Life as an adult can best be described as a downward spiral. An ass to face descent into a panache of low-calorie cocktails and death by taxation. I’m for serious about the bills bills bills part. Your life could be as interesting as a pile of dust, and you’ll still manage to spend money at an incredulous rate. I’m also pretty serious about the alcohol abuse. Alcohol will soon become a necessity to get through the work week, instead of the ‘reason’ you decided to ‘forget’ to wear underwear to a party and danced on a 2.5-legged table.
Almost everyone you know will be in an intense and committed relationship with their significant other, palm pilot, fetish porn, cleansing diet, okcupid account or xanax prescription. And no one will really notice if you choked to death in your apartment, after force feeding yourself flaxseed.
Your level of coffee consumption will reveal your socio-economic status… 5+ cups = poor as dirt. Trust me, juggling 3 jobs is not sustainable without a severe caffeine addiction or an adderall-only diet. The good part is that having 3 jobs will also prevent you from eating anything ever, so you can always stand in as an Olsen twin on a movie set.
All of your former boy/girlfriends, crushes, sex partners, or almost anyone you thought was moderately appealing, will gain exactly 35 lbs. I think it’s important to remember that as gratifying as it is to burn that little black book, recycling is the earth-friendly option. Al Gore thanks you kindly.
There will only be two types of people you will meet at a nightclub, people that want to marry you and people that want to kill you. And one could argue, that these two types of people are one in the same… At bars you will find an additional type of person, someone who wants to knowingly infect you with their genital warts. What I’ve learned from post-college dating is that the best place to meet anyone is to eeny-meeny-miney-mo it at a crowded intersection or a parade.
Finally, your world view will undergo a startling shift, post-college. These things called ‘student loans’ and ‘low-income salaries’ will bring you closer to adding stripper, pornstar, egg-donor or millionaire matchmakee to your resume. You might also notice that talking about grad school or a master’s program will act as a twisted sexual conduit or a strange type of foreplay.
All in all, it’s not too bad as long as your equipped with an inappropriate amount of vodka, a wall of resilience, pepper spray and a sense of humor.