PSFU Justin Bieber

I am currently turkey stuffed up with ‘recreational drugs’. They’re actually just over-the-counter meds, but a fistful of anything stronger than a tic tac is enough to go from normal to gaga. Don’t try this dayquil cocktail at home kids, I prefer not to get sued for your general lack of a sense of humor.

Anyway, I have a bone to pick with J.Biebs and similar pint-sized talents. J. Biebs has been playing the drums since the ripe age of 2. HOW DARE SHE!

I go to youtube and am surrounded by rugrats showing off their ability to play Chopin perfectly, while hoisted over a tank of hungry sharks. What is this?!

The most impressive thing I did as a pre-teen was NOT shopping at Hot Topic, and that is 1 week from being a true story. How did everyone get so damn talented? I’m not a pious person, but I have a feeling that this is some kind of witch craft douchebaggery. I request a Mel Gibson-led investigation on these youtube sensations. 

What kind of steroids are they pumping into kool-aid these days, am I right? My peak as a musician came the day I played an Aladdin song without taking a potty break in between. Every life accomplishment since has been mediocre at best.

But seriously, no pedo, he’s pretty spectacular. I am just jealous. His voice is like a marshmallow melting into a graham cracker and he looks like two hamsters spooning. He may not be the brightest embryo in the sac, but how smart were you at age .5?  That’s what I thought.

Calm down planned parenthood, of course J.Bible is anti-abortion, he’s a fetus… he should be terrified. And his politics are spot on: Korea drama bad, healthcare good. That’s all we really need to know about anything, anywhere, ever. WWJBD?