I’ve posted the following ad on craigslist because, I love receiving unsolicited email responses from serial rapists…

Starving Writer for Hire

I am neither an idiot, nor a savant. I can best be described as a social voyeur with the unique ability to convert real life into art, in a seamless fashion. And in this particular instance of course, by art, I mean the tip-tap-typing of what I can only describe as literary diarrhea or vernacular ejaculate.

I excelled in the verbal section of the SAT’s because I was a virgin throughout high school. And I excelled in the math portion because, for a lack of a better description, I am Asian. All of this information is being stated to set a base for intellectual expectations, of course, and not to arouse suspicion of my perfunctory sexual history.

I am a college graduate with a degree in Communications, which of course means nothing to anyone, anywhere, but thankfully charm and heavy-handed compliments have landed me employment for the past 6 years of college and post-college life. In case, you’re having an issue deducing my age from the sufficient amount of information I have released thus far, I am 24. I am gainfully employed as well, but recently my ambitious-nature has bitch slapped my facetious-nature in the face. Meaning— I am ready for bigger and better things, with the possibility of being able to afford rent and food in the same month.

I can write about almost anything, but comedy, sarcasm, music and fashion are my fortes. And much to my own dismay, I am not a hipster as my fortes seem to otherwise indicate. My dream job is to be Tina Fey, but since that occupation is currently unavailable, I’d settle for writing humorous things for your perusal/general amusement.

If hired, I promise the following:

-To make it my mission to personally offend every reader while simultaneously charming them into submission, and eventually luring them into the dark recesses of addiction to my every word. I’m the Charlie Manson of locution.

-To use fancy-pants words and hyphenates to describe simple ideas, because looking words up in the dictionary burns about .5 calories. And I care about your general well-being as a philanthrope.

- To use superfluous amounts of pop culture references, to allude to some sort of abundance of intellect on my part, when really I just watch too much MTV.

-To never disappoint you with my lingual mastery, despite my oftentimes underwhelming life happenings… Because I am a goddamn professional.  

If my abilities meet the needs of your business, then you probably aren’t very fucking profitable.. but feel free to contact me for employment anyway!