Like clockwork, every year, requests come streaming in about Saint Valentine. And much like a $20-an-hour hooker, I aim to please… 

I also please to aim your seductive nether regions to their desired genital pockets, so here’s a lovely list of awesome (albeit unique) Valentine’s Day ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’.

-Don’t wear a t-shirt that says “Boner Patrol” or “Gynecologist”. It is not appropriate to be awkward, misleading, and gross on Valentine’s Day. 

-Do collect roses from your neighbor’s flowerbed. As the economy continues to “drop down and get its eagle on”, it is important to cut corners and save money when and where an opportunity presents itself. 

-Don’t cry into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. After much market research and at-home academic testing, I’ve concluded that Dreyer’s ice cream gallons provide a better haven for your salty pool of little bitch tears. 

-Do find creative ways to spell out ‘I love you’. We’ve all seen the foggy window, post-it, sand-bar, yellow snow and jet-plane scrawlings from past and present Romeos and Juliets. Find a new medium, people. I suggest posting a quirky craigslist ad and paying people $5 to love-text the shit out of your significant other. Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like exultations from convicted felons— can you imagine all the brilliant love poems they will generate?!

-Don’t spend the night with your trusty vibrator/sock/KY dispenser and a bottle of vino. You deserve a brand-new treat. Visit your local sex shop/target/CVS and go to town, then go to town…

-Do spike your coffee with Jameson this Valetine’s Day. It’s not a desperate gesture by any means, but instead a subtle, sexy and sweet ‘I love you’ for your hard-working liver and mid-sectional organs. 

Hope this helps, my little acrimonious lumps of joy. Wishing you all the best on your poon-hunting this year.