The road to being liked is a rocky one—ice cream pun unintended. I’ve dealt with the heavy hand of blatant animosity for no apparent reason for days and years and such. Granted I’ve also dealt with aversion as a result of doling out casual rejections here and there. There are many a blue ball caused by my esteemed reproach, to which I offer my sincere condolences. #sorrybro.

But usually, I have the fun-tastic task of charming those that despise me right off the bat - especially with you foxy female folk. I can only assume I have the kind of face or disposition only a mother could love. It’s a daunting task, but me loves a challenge.

Dear Insecure Anal Fissure-ious Maximus,

I get it, I walk funny right? It’s the only thing I can assume, since I spent all but 30 seconds walking up to you and introducing myself, before your face became inflamed with rage, and is subsequently causing your makeup-hidden-blemish to resurface.

Is it the hairspray? One squirts too many? I get it, the stiffness of my hair is throwing you off your game, and you must remedy your delusion with a scowl and a snooty comment to dick-pump down my cochlea. I’ll try gel instead next time, okay? — so you can leave the below-the-breath whispers about my assumed sexual promiscuity or my imagined need for sclerotheraphy, at home. Tuck it away under your spanx and save it for a rainy day when I decide exact my bitchitude and shit on your life.

I have no coveted prize for you as a result of your non-dickbaggery, but wouldn’t you feel better about finding a real reason to hate me instead?

Here are a few legitimate reasons I will allow you to dislike me for:

-I can drink you under the table, and will dirty sanchez that fact all over your face.

-I wear an inordinate amount of glitter and will leave sparkly droppings in your car, on your cat, or across the keyboard of your brand new macbook. And I will do so unapologetically… 

-I am incapable of staying in one place or nailing a routine down due to the excessive amounts of caffeine I drink and a mildly serious case of attention deficit disorder. 

-I can eat like a Beluga whale and still comfortably fit into a bandage dress or a medium-sized ziploc bag. 

-You can try your darndest to plant your shitcloud of negativity right over me, and I will still remain awesome and seemingly unaffected… yet another symptom of my ADD.

If you need more ammunition, please email me and I will record a full day-in-the-life video for you to watch, and you should be able to pick up at least 600 new legitimate reasons to dislike me. Got it?