It’s that time of year again…
Leaves commit themselves to littering the gutter, my cup of coffee is 2 parts liquor and father time salutes me with a crisp bitchslap across the face….
Happy birthday to me!
What I’ve learned in life thus far:
1. As you welcome old age with passive agressive approbation, you will come to learn that the most gratifying form of sex is probably the good ol’ hate fuck.
2. Alcoholism is the best way to cope with most ailments, including but not limited to: unemployment, mondays, medical bills, bachelordom, traffic, a misshapen torso, identity theft and tuesdays.
3. No amount of cats, kittens or feline-shaped dust balls will ever make you happy. Try alcohol instead (see above).
4. Botox advertisements will start to entice and beckon. You will not.
5. There will always be someone who will more closely resemble a moldy prune than you do, misdirect all your negativity towards them.
6. The pool of adjectives to describe you will dampen, as you regress from labels like ‘cute’ and ‘energetic’. People will present you with lackluster options like ‘classy’, ‘worldly’ and ‘charming’.
7. You will find any opportunity/excuse to well up with tears ie: puppy birthdays, hallmark commercials, half yearly sales, American Idol and tea sandwiches.
8. Hangovers will shit on your life exponentially as you fossilize. It will take you up to a week to recover from a Girl’s night out or a thimble of whiskey.
9. You start to learn about subjects once foreign to you like: potpourri, epsom salt, palm pilots, wheatgrass and jazz music.
10. Sleeping with someone who is younger than you will not thwart the aging process, but it doesn’t incite it either.
In all seriousness, I’ve still ‘got it’, so I welcome my downward spiral into antiquity. My health is intact, my friend base is rich, and I don’t look like a soggy bowl of cheerios quite yet. In fact, Myspace pedophiles still beseech my online friendship at least twice a day.