P.S. FUCK YOU: Archive

P.S. FUCK YOU

May 2012

2 posts

Dear Bureau of Automotive Repair, I’d like to report an injustice of sorts, a fuckupance on the part of a shoddy auto center that has yet to know the depths of my first world wrath. My car decided to take up smoking, on what I can only describe as a Snoop Dogg-like level, a few fortnights ago. I swiftly took my car in for the automotive equivalent of a prostate exam to make sure the pipes...

Oftentimes, my dear friends come to me for advice on topics that I have no fucking insight on whatsoever. It’s like asking Charlie Sheen about sobriety or Charlie Brown about unadulterated optimism… no dice my friend, no dice. Psfu request: I asked this girl out, now what? If a female already said ‘yes’ to your formulaic attempts at being charming, you’re more...

April 2012

0 posts

Today is a momentous day for your favorite little twisted trollop. This post is devoid of humility, and is designed to inspire jealousy, rage, and aggressive high-fives… I am OFFICIALLY done riding Sallie Mae’s fiscal gang bang train of student loan debt horror. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Top Ramen for padding my checking account and small intestine. I will...

March 2012

3 posts

I truly believe that everyone needs a verbal fist pump every now and then. Sometimes life, the economy, that episode of the real housewives, or whiskey dick, may get you down, but I am a firm believer in high-fiving yourself on a regular basis. So I dare you to write a list of all the things that make you the coolest human being on the planet, and let the haters hate, because having a boner for...

It’s been far too long since I’ve stood on my soapbox and preached about something frighteningly unimportant. So here we go… As a life update, I’ve been called in to audition for an adventure-based game show a la Amazing Race and the likes. So here is what I plan on telling the producers so they select yours truly for the chance to win a 50k cash prize. - I have the...

February 2012

1 post

Like clockwork, every year, requests come streaming in about Saint Valentine. And much like a $20-an-hour hooker, I aim to please… I also please to aim your seductive nether regions to their desired genital pockets, so here’s a lovely list of awesome (albeit unique) Valentine’s Day ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’. -Don’t wear a t-shirt that says...

January 2012

1 post

PSFU request: Uncomplicated sex After many years of riding the Fucktown Express Train liberally, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as ‘uncomplicated sex’. Sex is loaded with implications, politics and semantics that reach far beyond the act of fist pumping genitals. Each step in the unraveling process carries with it at least two dozen mind-boggling...

December 2011

2 posts

Dear Mrs. Claus, After many years of unrequited present receiving, I am finally aware of my misdoing. My fealty resided in the wrong Claus beneficiary, and I can only offer my irrevocable condolences for such a misstep. I know who wears the big red pajama jeans up in the North Pole, it’s you, it’s always been you.. So I’m sending you this lovely letter to unburden my wish...

It’s that time of year again, where snow abounds, at least in Charlie Sheen’s orifices, and we warm our extremities near the fireplace to avoid a devastatingly cold 60 degree night in Southern California. The time of year when tiny tots put their full faith in a white-haired man who will break into the homes of middle class suburbia and stuff stockings to the brim, and no I’m...

November 2011

1 post

The road to being liked is a rocky one—ice cream pun unintended. I’ve dealt with the heavy hand of blatant animosity for no apparent reason for days and years and such. Granted I’ve also dealt with aversion as a result of doling out casual rejections here and there. There are many a blue ball caused by my esteemed reproach, to which I offer my sincere condolences. #sorrybro. ...

October 2011

2 posts

PSFU- underestimations Sometimes no matter how many online dictionaries or discovery channel segments you masturbate to.. people just don’t believe you are intelligent. You could finish the Times crossword puzzle and spell out a dissertation on how to solve the obesity crisis in America in one solitary bowl of alphabet soup… and still people will think your brain is the size of...

I’m back losers! Like a bear (of the homosexual variety and not the ursus genus), I needed a brief period of hibernation. My proclivity for trouble has been off the charts recently. I’m not sure if it’s a symptom of trying to fastidiously cling to my fleeting youth.. or if it’s because my cosmo ‘how to live your life rectal thermometer’ had the naughty box...

September 2011

3 posts

It’s that time of year again… Leaves commit themselves to littering the gutter, my cup of coffee is 2 parts liquor and father time salutes me with a crisp bitchslap across the face…. Happy birthday to me! What I’ve learned in life thus far: 1. As you welcome old age with passive agressive approbation, you will come to learn that the most gratifying form of sex is...

After much introspection, I realized that I value making money more than anything else at the moment. Like a power-hungry i-Banker, I pledge my allegiance to all things material, as the dollar sign is the battery pack to my life. Unlike a power-hungry i-Banker, there is no cocaine or friendly neighborhood prostitute addiction fueling said drive. My desirous heart seeks financial gain to satiate...

My humblest apologies regular people, I have been MIA for far too long. As I shimmy towards a higher age bracket, my time management skills and thirst for attention, runneth dry. I have a pile of requests and here is my attempt at setting your insignifcant problems free. I’m like a hamster-sized Dr. Phil… Rant request: Couples If you are 1/2 of a couple, I am sorry, as your...

July 2011

2 posts

Here’s to you—wildchild freak of politically incorrect nature. To the ones who bang out with their wang out, and spend entirely too much time pursuing whatever vivid desires lie deep beneath the stitchings of their underpants or cranial subderma . To electric masses that shout and sizzle and scream and pavement-fuck the ground when they walk. To the unconventional and alternative...

I assume most of you are still recovering from a bout of patriotic liver annihilation delivered by an onslaught of keg-planking and tongue-fucking the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle. If you’re any kind of decent American, a firefighter only recently pulled you out of a PBR soaked brick-pit wearing the scorched remnants of an American flag snuggie and 2/3 of a condom. Any other Tuesday...

June 2011

4 posts

PSFU Request: Stage 5 Clingers There are dozens of unattractive qualities that us mere mortals possess, including those that are bred deep in the under belly of insecurity. Clingerism is one, fortunately a curable one if you practice as I preach. Start every morning with a hearty breakfast and a bushel of high fives in the mirror… Repeat the last step as you peruse your short list of life...

In lieu of publishing Post #69 I will not be writing about Blum Integers like you all hoped. Instead I will be fulfilling a psfu request that is the perfect compliment to post #68. Request: How would you advertise yourself on an online dating site. Dear Phallus-Wielding Warriors, I am asian. I know that piqued the interest of at least 95% of you. And not a bad looking one at that…...

I’ve recently been approached by an online dating agency about applying my verbal winning to their blue-balled masses. They believe I ‘have what it takes’ to be an online love guru. They asked me to do my charitable part to help men ‘get theirs’ by writing love letters to future cat ladies with just the right amount of finesse to get their ovaries fist-pumping. ...

There comes a time in every little girls life, when you have to say “Fuck you, ass-hat”, and take those sweet cheeks eastbound and down. And NOW, is one of those moments. I’d like to commemorate it with a rant because there is nothing I enjoy more than shoving my half-baked pretension down your pie hole. And much to your dismay, I’m not referencing a cheating boyfriend...

May 2011

3 posts

PSFU—MEN Now hear me out, I didn’t want to make a whiny little bitch post with pseudo-feminist undertones about how god awful men are. I’ve always been a pretty big fan of the mushroom tipped masses, but I’ve hit an unfortunate stroke of terrible luck. Seemingly, I attract taken men. I’ve never really encountered this problem before, it must be the way I’m...

Psfu Rapture… As a simple girl with a secular education who learned about virtues and values from the Air Bud movies (1 through 3), I didn’t know much about the magical rapture. In fact, before last week I thought it was a new music genre or some kind of anal fissure. Boy was I wrong. Yet judgement day came and went, and I was deemed unfit to ride the express train to H-town in...

I’ve been buried under my GMAT book, which has been buried under my utter lack of motivation, which can be evidenced by a brand new blanket of visceral fat. This week’s psfu is a letter of intent I’m composing for a few lucky grad schools. Dear Sir, Madam, or Shim, I cordially invite you to the pathway of my inevitable success which will later become a Lifetime biopic called...

April 2011

3 posts

PSFU Request: How was Coachella? Coachella 2011 was fanfuckingnomenal (pardon my church tone). This was my 5th consecutive romp-about in the desert, and I can safely say that this was by far my favorite. I’d like to consider myself a veteran, despite the fact that I haven’t graced every Coachella since its inception. In my defense, it took a while for my proverbial musical balls to...

With the help of some savvy gentlemen and a lesbot, I drafted the following illuminated manuscript: Ingredients for a seemingly ‘Perfect Woman’. It’s similar to the manifesto I wrote about the ‘Perfect Man’, but it WILL ask you if ‘it looks fat in those jeans.’ 1. Please possess a fraction of intellect. You don’t have to be a Harvard alma mater,...

I think I’m slowly losing inspiration my little flapjacks. If there was a writer’s viagra, I’d take it right about now as my fingers tap away without gusto, with the kind of flaccidity Charlie Sheen could never understand. I suppose every muse needs a muse, and since I’ve been producing half-chubs of genius I am looking for my very own porn house party/inspiration...

March 2011

4 posts

PSFU request: What are you like in real life? Autobiography time, motherfuckers. I am a 24 year old female and the proud owner of a sharp tongue, quick wit, and 0 out of 9 sexually transmitted diseases. I like interjecting sexual anecdotes and references into my tirades because I have the maturity level of an adolescent boy. My closet looks like baby gap for hookers, and I have a propensity...

poundingserfs asked: "vacuous melodic abortion"

PSFU Request: Rebecca Black The ‘Friday’ song has swept across the nation, garnering it a top spot in the iTunes store. There has been many-a-panty-in-a-twist over whether or not this girl deserves flack for her vacuous melodic abortion. If you haven’t heard the song yet, I would recommend avoiding it completely. It’s like watching the video from the Ring. Once you watch...

An endless wave of trolls and goddesses have been requesting a psfu rant about the prolific Mr. Sheen himself. The Connoisseur of WINNING, the Duke of Delusion, the Champion of the Porn Industry, and the Idol of Assholes Everywhere. Charlie motherfucking Sheen, man. Where do I start. Let me grace you with a clarification of my supposition, as it may be unclear. I like the guy, I mean...

February 2011

6 posts

*rant request* What is post college life like? Life as an adult can best be described as a downward spiral. An ass to face descent into a panache of low-calorie cocktails and death by taxation. I’m for serious about the bills bills bills part. Your life could be as interesting as a pile of dust, and you’ll still manage to spend money at an incredulous rate. I’m also pretty...

PSFU Justin Bieber I am currently turkey stuffed up with ‘recreational drugs’. They’re actually just over-the-counter meds, but a fistful of anything stronger than a tic tac is enough to go from normal to gaga. Don’t try this dayquil cocktail at home kids, I prefer not to get sued for your general lack of a sense of humor. Anyway, I have a bone to pick with J.Biebs and...

serfsam asked: happy valentine's day! <3 your secret admirer

Rant request PSFU: COACHELLA Indie kids everywhere are up in paltry arms over the currently SOLD OUT phenomenon that is Coachella. If you don’t know what Coachella is, it’s basically generation facebook’s answer to Woodstock. However, the formerly awesome event has transcended into MTV’s spring break in the desert- version slutty hippie. It’s a bit upsetting that...

poundingserfs asked: damn girl

It’s unanimous Boys and Bettys, you all crave a good Valentine’s Day verbal beat down. Despite the numerous things I could say about Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck, I’m choosing a more challenging topic to shred to itsy bitsies with my porcelain veneers. Seeing as how couples and non-couples alike have asked to be inundated with my ramblings about Valentine’s Day, I’m...

January 2011

4 posts

By popularis demandius (that was my attempt at latin), here is a list of things I learned in college. This list is witty, mature and filled with insight …..penis 1. College taught me that adderall is kinda like steroids, but for your brain. 2. There are a few things in life that do in fact last forever, like: styrofoam, student loans and herpes genetalis. 3. If you are in a CS lab past...

Today is a special day, my little peppercorns. A double dose of ps-fuck-you greatness, in one episode. The word ‘episode’, being a nomenclature to describe the psychotic meltdown/synapse overstimulation that occurs when I spill my guts onto tumblr for all the world to see. I’ve received an abundance of rant requests and questions from you fabulicious readers, whom I adore. So...

As a writer, who has brain farts of pure talent, I am appalled by writing requests for uncompensated/minimum wage prices. If you want a well-oiled 400 word article, you should shell out the dough, you personified anus. Contrary to popular belief, writing is no walk in the park or boot in the toot. Sure, almost anyone can construct a sentence, but the vernacular equivalent of gold? That takes...

Alright my little motherfucking cupcakes. It’s a brand spanking new year, and I plan on bringing the sass full force. More attitude than the spawn of Drag Queen Tyra Banks and every meter maid in North America. Snap, snap. I’ve been getting resolution posting requests. However, you forget my little pop tarts, that I am in fact infallible and perfect and my hair is shiny and falls...

December 2010

8 posts

You’re a SLUT! Has anyone ever flung that facetious profundity at your floozy face before? Well my little jeze-beatles… it has happened to me. I have been called a ‘slut’ countless times before: affectionately, seriously, threateningly, and while being a big slut… I’m numb to the semantics of the word, really. I just assume people are praising my insufferable ability to make P’s, V’s...

Alright kiddos, Someone done pissed missy miss PSFU right off. And I will do what I do best, a swift wordy karate chop to the balls. Let’s see, after politely rejecting someone.. he called me ‘just average’ and told me he was not interested in me anyhow anywho, no ma’am. And that I just wouldn’t go out with him because he wouldn’t sleep with me? And that I...

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

The holidays are here, my little sugar plums! Santa Claus is climbing through your window and snatching your cookies up, pre-teens are lighting their joints in the firepit, nipples are ripping through t-shirts, and spiked cider is helping people everywhere relive their childhood trauma… It’s the most wonderful-latio time of the YEAR! Here are a few tips on how to make this...

Dear Santa, I left you a slimfast and a shot of baileys, instead of milk and cookies this year. I saw you at the mall today and you were looking a little Kristie Alley. Anyway, I’ve been a really good girl this year. I’ve only ruined 1.5 marriages so far. I’ve also gotten kicked out of 3 churches for trying to serve sizzurp, as the blood of Christ (my bad). Two Vegas casinos...

I’ve posted the following ad on craigslist because, I love receiving unsolicited email responses from serial rapists… Starving Writer for Hire I am neither an idiot, nor a savant. I can best be described as a social voyeur with the unique ability to convert real life into art, in a seamless fashion. And in this particular instance of course, by art, I mean the tip-tap-typing of what I...

Happy Tuesday, snuggle bunnies! Today’s rant request was almost too easy. Our newest PSFU victim is Sarah Palin, although ‘victim’ implies innocence.. so let’s call her my new PSFU ‘inmate’. Like Palin, I piece together words to fabricate super-words like ‘cuntscabbery’ and ‘douchepravity’, but only because I need very specific...

Step 1- Remove hand from pants Step 2- Click on this link: http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend/humor/psfu Step 3- Recommend PSFU for a baller-status directory listing Of course my little buttercups, I don’t expect you to just do what I say, even if I know what’s best for you… no, no. I value this transaction we have, where you sit on your ass and I do the linguistic...

November 2010

4 posts

Thanksgiving has managed to punk me this year. Instead of lapsing into trytophan induced psychosomatic coma after dinner last night—I stayed awake til 3AM. Either I’m developing pseudo-insomniatic tendencies or that turkey was a former crackhead. Anyscrew, here’s a list of a few things PSFU is thankful for this year: TSA- Every flight now comes with a warm smile and firm...