This post is a little different; perhaps heart-wrenching, perhaps inspirational, perhaps less “suck my dicks” per paragraph than usual. Only marginally.
I’ve been stuck in a rut: financial hardships, misguided friendships, government partisanships… Trying to carve a sinewy life path is proving to be more of a challenge than trying to keep up with a Kardashian. Life keeps throwing curveballs in the dark, but such is the curse of being a badass, machete-wielding Unicorn.
I’ve spent the better part of my livelihood people-pleasing, shaking hands, kissing babies, and choking on humble-dick pie. Albeit a flame-throwing, mythical creature, I’m probably the most sensitive congealment of particles you will ever meet. The harsh exterior is a facade to distract from the pool of jelly that lies beneath. I am the human equivalent of a stale jelly donut.
But enough is enough. I won’t sit by and entertain the thought of a personality replacement, because I know I will always be Cadbury Egg on a lukewarm summer day. But I do vow to suit-up and grab life by the sticky nut-sack, and get everything I presumably deserve. If any haters stand in my way, so help me—I will (probably cry about it in my car while I) devise a plan to take over the universe and kick you out.
I’m smart enough, I’m brave enough, and I survived college without ever punching a single Poli-Sci major in the face. I GOT THIS BITCH!
**This post probably serves no purpose being published, since it’s a self-serving, pump-up speech. But maybe, just maybe, it inspired at least one person to do something. Even if that ‘something’ is as categorically unpleasing as an eye roll.**
Prepare yourself universe, “suck my dick” is coming.